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Don’t forget the passion!


When you’re desperate to have children it can be difficult to keep the passion alive. The focus ends up being more on picking the right day and time, than feeling closeness and desire for each other. During pregnancy and after childbirth, it can also be difficult sometimes to find that feeling of pleasure.

Getting pregnant can be a journey. From exciting and romantic at the beginning – to having mechanical sex, hanging out on forums and frantically hunting for tiny signs of pregnancy. It can be difficult to keep desire alive when the primary focus is on having a child. However, if you feel that you are about to lose your sex drive, there are plenty of tricks worth trying.

Having sex to get pregnant

Lack of desire is something that can affect anyone. Here are a few tips on what you can do to increase your sex drive.

  • Physical closeness without having sex – One way to break the negativity can be for you to be close to each other physically without having sex. Hugging, lying naked and caressing each other’s bodies but not touching each other’s erogenous zones.
  • Only have comfortable sex – Trying new ways of having sex and cutting out what is not comfortable can lead to the return of desire.
  • Review and nurture the relationship – How is the atmosphere or feeling between you? Do you have fun together and enjoy yourselves or does everyday life consist predominantly of boredom and arguments? Sharing everyday responsibilities and work is important, both for the relationship to be strong, but also for both of you to have the energy to think about sex.
  • Fantasizing and thinking about sex on your own is an undemanding way of arousing desire. It can create a positive feeling and excitement without the requirement that it has to lead to anything. Feeling excited does not have to lead to sexual activity or performance of any kind. But if the occasion feels right, you can also take initiatives that feel right at the time.

Sex and passion during pregnancy

A pregnancy can affect both your desire and your sex life. Some think that everything feels exactly the same as usual, while others think that everything has got even nicer. But many think it can feel more difficult, noisier and more uncomfortable. Anxiety can also affect desire. In other words, pregnancy can affect your sex life in many different ways.

Many people find it helpful not to have to think about contraception. Some may have a low sex drive during the first part of pregnancy. Later on, the desire for sex is often affected by the stomach getting in the way or by getting pain somewhere. On the other hand, both the one who is pregnant and their partner usually have the same need for closeness as before, or often an even greater need for closeness and confirmation. If it doesn’t feel good to have sex like usual, maybe you should try something new.


Rule number one: If it feels good, it’s okay

The body has a good ability to tell if something is not right. A good rule of thumb is that if it feels good, it’s ok. Women who have sex during pregnancy do not give birth prematurely more often than those who abstain from sex.

If you have any kind of high-risk pregnancy, however, you may need to take it easy. Some forms of sex involve a risk of contractions and may need to be avoided. One example is penetrative sex with a penis or massage stick in the vagina. Talk to your midwife or doctor to get advice on what suits you. This also applies to those who have special needs, such as a physical disability.


It can be good to talk to each other and try to explain how you feel, and not rule out the feeling of closeness even if your sex life may not be the same as it was before.

The fear of intercourse damaging the fetus

Some people worry that you can harm the fetus if you have sex, but it is well protected. What feels good to the woman is not harmful to the fetus. Some women find that they  bleed easily from the cervix during pregnancy. It is not unusual that after sex you can get a little bleeding. That is also not harmful, for either the fetus or the woman.

It’s important to talk to each other and try to explain how you feel. It is good not to rule out closeness, even if your sex life isn’t how it used to be, because even though it is not physically harmful to have sex, both the woman and their partner may experience that having sex can feel psychologically difficult during pregnancy. If neither of you wants to, of course you shouldn’t have sex.

Orgasms during pregnancy

When a woman orgasms, contractions of the uterine muscles can occur. During an uncomplicated pregnancy, these are completely harmless and usually go away after a while. Contractions can also occur if you have intercourse with the penis in the vagina, and the man ejaculates. These are completely harmless and are caused by substances in the seminal fluid. If you feel sick because you’re pregnant or if your body is tense, an orgasm can relieve it. Different forms of sensual touch can also be pleasant for you.

When can you start having sex after childbirth?

It differs from person to person how soon it feels good to have sex after childbirth. Some women feel desire and want to have sex very soon, while others prefer to wait.

Childbirth can be experienced in many different ways. Some may experience it as a form of orgasm or as a pleasurable experience. Others can have painful or distressing thoughts. Partners can also be affected by a birth, both positively and negatively. If the birth was complicated or if you have unprocessed negative experiences after a pregnancy and childbirth, it’s important to get help so that it does not lead to sexual discomfort.


How the body’s recovery affects desire

It can take a different amount of time for the body to recover, depending on how the delivery went. Recovery time depends on sleep, rest, breastfeeding and the new situation you are in. Some women simply do not have the desire and energy to have sex. This is individual and it is important that you do what feels right for you. If vaginal sex has become problematic after childbirth, many people think that caressing and massage can be more pleasurable. This can decrease the demands and stress around sex. And when demands and stress decrease, desire often increases again.

Last updated: 2023.10.04